gilaxia//Getty ImagesSwingers are couples who engage in group sex or the swapping of sexual partners, often at a party hosted by someone in the swinging community. Being a part of this community is called “being in the lifestyle”—LS, for short. Basically, swingers see their two-person relationships as romantically monogamous and sexually open, meaning they're down to engage in sex with outside partners, while their partner is at the same function (or in the same room).
Since swinging (along with other forms of consensual non-monogamy) is not culturally acceptable thanks to society's puritanical views on sex, these communities are largely underground, with only those involved in on the secret. And, as hush-hush groups will often do, swingers have created their own language to describe certain common behaviors. “Wife-swapping,” "soft swapping," “hard swapping,” and “full swapping” are all codified language used to identify what these sexy adventure-seekers are up to.
Some of these terms can rub people the wrong way, such as “wife swapping,” which has some misogynistic undertones. Why can't it be called “husband swapping,” ya’ll? But I digress. Today, we're going to focus on defining the term “soft swap,” because it can be quite confusing. So let’s investigate.
What exactly is a soft swap?
A soft swap indicates a partner trade that doesn’t involve penetration. (A "full swap," on the other hand, indicates a hook-up that does involve penetration.)
“Couples prefer ‘soft swap[ing]’ when they are newer to the scene because it keeps some boundaries they've established between the two of them,” says swinging expert, Claudia Aguirre, co-founder & vice president of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, a five-plus star travel brand curating fantasy-like travel experiences, workshops, and cruises for the sophisticated, sex-positive traveler.
Pepe Aguirre, co-founder & CEO of Luxury Lifestyle Vacations, adds that soft swapping is “kind of the entry level, and couples evolve from there to what[ever] desires and fantasies they want to explore in the lifestyle/swinging world.”
While this definition (and the behavior itself) certainly has merit, it should be noted that it is problematic language. Why are we still holding fast on the idea that penetrative sex is the only “full” form of sex out there? It begs the question: Is it time for swingers (and everyone else) to do away with terms that prioritize P-in-V sex, or is shared terminology useful?
skynesher//Getty ImagesAt its core, language helps establish boundaries.
The term "soft swap" feels appropriate when you put it in the context of setting boundaries. Whether it's because of the risk of unplanned pregnancy or the fact that it just feels more serious, the truth is, some people may not be comfortable doing penetration right away—especially when they’re trying to figure out if they're really into swinging as a lifestyle choice.
Claudia Aguirre says she “100% recommends” a soft swap to all couples that are curious about the lifestyle. “Generally, over time and experiences, a ‘soft swap’ couple will become [a] full swap couple as they get more comfortable and broaden their boundaries,” she explains. “As a couple in the lifestyle, we started as a ‘soft swap’ couple and over the years we change[d] and felt comfortable having [penetrative sex] with other[s] and explore[d] our sexuality in different ways.”
When you apply this logic, it makes a lot more sense. "Soft swap" can be a personal identifier that people use to simply indicate what they’re down to do and what they aren’t. It’s a way to help foster understanding, and to keep everyone feeling safe.
But should we adopt a different term in order to be more inclusive?
The short answer: Kind of, but maybe not?
There's no need for the term ‘soft swap’ as long as everyone establishes what they're into beforehand, says Daniel Saynt, founder & chief conspirator of The New Society for Wellness (NSFW), a sex- and cannabis-friendly private members club in NYC.
“We encourage couples to be able to communicate exactly what they want out of every encounter, and also what they don’t want,” Saynt says. Even if another couple tells you they're comfortable doing a soft swap, you'd still have to enthusiastically agree, as a group, which specific activities that entails. Some swingers don't kiss other partners, for instance.
But until we as a society collectively decide that P-in-V sex is not the most important and valid form of doin' it, there's no denying the term "soft swap" will remain important. Once we let go of the patriarchal confines that keep us trapped inside of the P-in-V-centric mindset, we may be able to change up the way we refer to different sex acts.
That said, the swinger community has its hands full trying not to be labeled as disloyal deviants who are going to hell, so it’s understandable why there is a need to use this kind of boundary-setting language. As much as I don’t care to say it because I want to encourage inclusivity, "soft swap" is here to stay.
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